The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

My aim is true my shoulders and back have grown strong I can always gather enough to push forward and soldier on. Heavy is my heart heavy is my mind rotten are the pieces of me that have gone through the grind. no matter the journey I have kept spinning and stumbling on even when I know most of me is already gone. There are still drifting pieces but not enough to make a half ever feel whole pieces floating around like flakes of food in a fishless fish bowl. I can't break if there is nothing left to shatter the light withers away and the darkness grows fatter. Eaten up and empty, a bottomless cup No matter how much you pour into me I will never fill up.

Dear customers, Christmas is but a few short months away and in preparation for this holy cluster fuck of a holiday I have a few questions, important directives and information for you to review. First off why is it that a certain product/item that is for sale in my store will stay untouched/unsold for weeks and weeks, until I have to re-merchandise the product/item and/or move it to a new location? Then suddenly like a stampede of wild buffalo; herds of you crazy shoppers charge all around me attempting to molest me and the once uninteresting product/item. Why are all customers always so predictable and annoying? Why do you hold in your BM's all day while you leisurely stroll and shop about the strip mall and dine for two hours at Red Robin, ( where there are numerous bathroom stalls ) until you get into my store and then decide you have to take a giant SHIT and blow up my tiny rest room? WHY CUSTOMER do you complain about the prices and tell me that Target has whatever product...

I find it hard to "live in the moment". I am constantly surrounded by my own never ending thought process. I think about where I'm going and what I'm doing and wonder if I will ever find what or where it is that I'm supposed to be. I have been soul searching for endless years and I still come up empty handed and confused. The more I try to figure myself out the more tangled up and destroyed I become. I'm much like a heaping, tangled, pile of gold necklaces. I could be wonderful and beautiful but every time I try and unravel the deep knots all around me the task becomes too overwhelming and I'm left broken, damaged, or rendered useless. I want more than anything to be able to appreciate the world around me for what it is and to find inner peace and happiness. I'm strong but my strength often arises from a dark place where I have been hurt, misled, and abused. I'm currently disconnected to the sadness I used to feel everyday but I secretly wonder w...

far away I can't reach the things I once loved so much and couln't seem to ever live without Nothing is important I barely live at all In the middle of a circle where no one sees me anymore I see them all laugh, smile, joke, live their lives I'm stuck inside watching them alll live, watching them all be happy Watching them all forget I was ever even here at all.

She'll make you laugh though she always cries She'll make you want to live even when she wants to die She'll make sure you're brave and get what you deserve she truly loves life but just really hates hers Secret so deep, secrets so dark once a great fire, no longer a spark The pain stops her life dead in it's tracks a miserable folly with never ending acts She'll bring you up and then throw herself down a sad sight to see the tears of a clown

God blesses those who suffer but the suffering seems to go on without end? There's no time to count your blessings when hatred is your only friend There's no time for the sun to shine on your face when blackness is all you can find Heavy heart and acheing thoughts I just want to leave this all behind All I want is you but you can't hold a razor blade this tight you can't tell somone you love them when you're constantly losing the fight Your heart can't beat with love when all it does is bleed with pain bringing life into this world just to kill it with all the blame should've appreciated more, should've had more dreams, should've cried less should've laughed a lot more, should've lived more, should've done my best How can you give up when you never really tried? How can you hold on when what your holding onto is lies? you won't even listen to what I say or how I feel you think I'm happy but this smile isn't real It's hard ...

I hate days like today. Days where I can't get off the ground. Days that feel like my life is on a permenant pause. I hate days like today. All I want to do is cry. Days where nothing feels right. Days where I hate myself. Days that go on for weeks and months. Days that never end. I hate days that I can't breath. Days that I can't go outside. Days that I'm the reason I do nothing. Days that I choke. Days that I can't be a friend. I can't be a wife. I can't clean my house. I can't take care of myself. I can't be part of a family. I can't call you because you don't understand it. I can't talk about it because I can't even explain it. Days and days and days. Days where my head feels so full it might burst or crack. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to smash everything around me. I hate days when I realize I'm already broken. Not falling, not cracking, not peeling, not breaking I've been shattered. I hate days when my heart...

not a problem you can solve not a wound you can heal not a word you can speak not an emotion you can feel not a darkeness in need of light not a soul in need of saving not a child to scold not a liar who's behaving not the words in a letter not the lyrics to a song not knowing what is right not knowing what is wrong

Why is this the land of opportunity for everyone else excpet the people who really need it? I am frustrated. The streets here were never really paved in gold at all, they are merely gold plated, cheap, and synthetic just like everything else. practically everything is made in China. Plymouth Rock was once tattooed with a swastika, when some angsty, emo, nazi, teenagers lovingly spray painted it a decade or so ago. A childish brandishing of anarchy but I understand their frustration. I feel at this time that I should mention that I do NOT in any way support nazis or racist behavior or any sort. I am proud of my freedoms and I am not some self proclaimed political satirist. I understand that other countries have no real freedoms at all. This leaves one to wonder though if all this said freedom has lead to a nation of spoiled, lazy, self indulgent, overly entitled brats? Am I getting old or are young people as awful and ungrateful as they seem? Today I got a letter from my insurance compa...

The time has come for a good old fashioned house cleaning in my personal life. I admit sometimes I have the hugability of a pincushion cactus but I find this much more appealing then being the emotional punching bag that I was for many unhappy years. It's not that I can't hack it I just refuse to anymore. If I wanted to listen and solve everyone's issues I'd go back to school and get my social working licesnse. ( Actually not a bad idea ) Maybe I'll just start mailing out bills for co-pays and office visits!? My family is the drama and horror equivelent of any Wes Craven movie! It seems no matter how fast I swim away I always get stuck in the swirling whirlpool of proverbile bullshit as people in my life take turns doing emotional piranha attacks on my psyche. When I am feeling uncomfortable and otherwise dejected I pull away from whatever it is in my life that is causing it. It may not be healthy or normal but I can't stand to be irritated. I refuse to be a...

Born chubby and now a grown, robust, italian/portuguese american, women; I have come to realize a thing or two that I might have missed if in fact I had been born tall and ballerina like. I used to hope and pray that someday my neck would gracefully stretch out and that my fleshy, fruit shaped, abdomen would magically transform into an elegant and elongated piece of art work, much like the women's bodies I'd seen all my life In the Victoria's Secret catalogue. Funny thing is, this didn't happen. Still hasn't and probably never will. I am 5 foot 1 and overweight but I can't help but wonder if I'm healthy and happy does what the bastard scale says really even matter? Being me used to really bum me out but in some small way I have never really wanted to be anyone else either. I have witnessed on several occasions the way that grown men and boys alike have tried in their own way for lack of a better explanation "compliment" my girlfriends. They ju...

Why is it that all the important life lessons and sound advice that you get from your parents and guardians you choose to ignore when you're young? I have been given a whole lot of wonderful tid bits and nuggets of knowledge throughout my life and for years it seems the advice has fallen short of my young, deaf, ears. Now and again when I make a mistake or I have a moment where I regret a decision that I have hastily made I hear my mother's voice mocking me, "I told you so!" When my mother told me at the age of 16, "these are the best days of your life kido so enjoy them now!" I thought to myself with a heartfelt cringe, "if these are the best days of my life I want to be struck by a bus right this very minute!" Dramatic? Yes but I always had quite the theatrical flare and especially so when I was 16. Being an adult isn't as great as my adolescent mind once thought it would be but it also isn't as boring and conformist as I thought it wou...

Waking up from the longest, darkest night, having been locked away in a storm Wading into the water it melts my soul and once again I am reborn Not caring where my heart has been, sand cascades against my skin For the first time I see the glint of the sun and wonder where it's been A restless mind is hushed enough for nerves to collect and play A culmination of picture shows of memories and awareness once cast away The sweet, saline air wisps gently along my face Strands of hair swirl and dance and stir perspective into place It matters not that I was lost at sea, the waves lapping hungrily at my side For now I stand, feet steadfast and anchored to the shore and have returned to tell the tale of the ride.

Why is it that during times of epic weather, such as wild fires, blizzards, rain/flooding, and hurricanes people flock to the grocery store like a pack of psychotic, A.D.D, patients on Crystal meth who've escaped from the asylum? Why does everyone go completely insane and buy every loaf of bread and every carton of milk in the entire store? Why all the unnecessary pandemonium and mayhem? Are you going to fashion yourself a shelter out of whole grain 100 % stone ground wheat bread? Are you going to bathe yourself in 2% milk to prevent the flames of hell from burning you and your family alive? Obviously if you're going out to get items for survival your shopping list should look more like this: 1. Flares & Matches/lighter ( flame thrower if at all possible ) 2. flash lights & a miners hat with a head lamp 3. bottled Water 4. Non-perishable food items ( canned goods ) 5. proper foot wear ( no stilettos please ) 6. Guns & AMO ( knives lots and lots of knives ) 7. anti...

I was bad yesterday. Real freaking naughty. "Please elaborate.", you say. I had a doughnut and iced coffee for lunch followed by a snack of funnel cake dippers from Burger King. PMS is that you? Can you please knock it the hell off I'm trying not to be a fatty fat kid here! Why is it that every month when good old Aunt Flow comes around I turn into a grease grubbing sugar fiend, demon from hell? It's like all my self control and will power evaporate in a salty sweet cloud of snacks followed only by a chocolate-y chaser! Ok so you're going to tell me that science will allow for organ transplants and cancer treatments but there is nothing out there to effectively clear up the colony of blemishes that has recently taken up residency on my chin? There is no magic pill to restore my mood or my will to exist? I must be a bloated, mad, cow for the next 5 to 7 days every 28 days????? This just isn't fair! All I have as a women to look forward to in my feminine futur...

So it's day 7 of my recovery from Thyroid surgery. Which is sort of why I started this blog in the first place. Resting and recovery are good things in moderation but also very, very, boring; minus the Copious amounts of pain meds and Ben & Jerry's. I am also convinced that my pain meds give me nasty, sex dreams about my surgeon, whom I might add is about 30 years older than me! Gross. I feel so dirty. The worst part is he probably saw all my naughty bits and my fat, dimpled, ass tattoo! I'm so glad I was asleep for that. I think I have successfully watched ever single episode of "Snapped" and "Roseanne". I'm pretty sure I know now how to commit the perfect crime of properly murdering my spouse, should the need to do so ever arise. Just kidding, just kidding. It is amazing how many husbands and wives poison and/or elaborately plan out murderous schemes for their significant others. Makes me wonder is divorce really that bad? Too expensive? Not sa...