The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

To be honest the last few days I have found myself Joyless and exhausted. I go through these melancholy moods in the winter months. BLAH BLAH BLAH seasonal affective disorder......... The holidays are a time of reflection, renewal, and resolution but somehow I always tend to feel lost within myself. I feel lost as to what my next step should be in this life and before I know it another year has gone by and I'm still hopelessly standing still. Change makes me uncomfortable and it always has. I talk about this often. I desperately  hope that the admission of my "change complex" with make it feel less like a pair of skinny jeans and more like a pair of sweat pants. I can not seem to find the spirit of the season nor the joy and anticipation that can only be experienced through the eyes of a child. We are supposed to entertain, throw parties; eat, drink, and be merry but somehow all I feel right now is tired.  The thought of spreading holiday cheer just makes me want to ta...

I was watching Kevin Smith on  Net Flix last night . He does this bit about his old man dying screaming. He goes on to say how good of a person his old man was and how he didn't deserve to die that way. He says at one point in his speech, "we're all probably going to go out screaming so the best thing to do prior to that is to try and pack that life with as much wonderfulness, fun, and productivity. Surround yourself with people who are going to help you fucking do that." This got my wheels turning. I had a conversation with a friend today and she asked me, "do you ever wonder if you will ever truly be happy?" I smiled but not because I was making fun of her or laughing at her but because I ask myself that very same question all of the time. I wonder what does it take to truly make oneself happy and fulfilled? Will I ever feel that I have done all that I have set forth to do in this life? Will I leave my mark or make an impact? Did I make the right cho...

People are never sorry until it's too late. It seems nobody wants to fix things until they are irreparable. You just can't fix hurt feelings and you can't take back hurtful words once they leave your lips. Emotions aren't mere dollar store tchotchke's nor are they  priceless antiques. They can never be apologized for or replaced for a monitory amount. Mental solitude is a priceless unicorn. I wonder is forgiveness even real? Or do we all just smile our fake smiles and laugh our fake laughs; while we continue to swallow and bury painful things until they eat us alive from the inside out? I realize how bitter and awful I sound but it's just my real time thought process at the moment. People can say the same things over and over again. They can tell you to live for the moment. They can tell you to appreciate all that you have. They can say, "someone out there has it worse than you." But a truly depressed individual lacks the ability to play devil...

It's an old hat that I wear all to well. It's the salt that I just can't stop licking. The sugar so sweet that it makes make me sick. It not me is it? But it is me.. ...........Miserable. Negative. Lonely. Angry.                  Me. I don't have the right but then again don't I? My pain is no greater nor is it any less than anyone else's. It's all so subjective and I can't even take shelter in my own thoughts. I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY.  I'm heavy and empty all the same. Struggling to fill a vast, black, void. I am a black hole. Lost in space. Too much space? Not enough space? I can't figure me out. Going through this beautiful life with unappreciative blindness. I'm ignorant because I know too much. I feel too much. I think too much.  I      AM. TOO. MUCH. I can't even take joy,  no matter how brief; within my own selfish melancholy. I don't dese...

Most of the time I feel like I should be doing more. I think I should be exercising more, reading more, studying more, learning more, contributing more. If not more I definitely feel I should be living better and enjoying more and taking better care of my soul. My mind gets so full and overwhelmed with all the thoughts of what I should be doing that I physically stall out and do nothing. How am I so exhausted from doing nothing? My thoughts and wits are my greatest attribute and yet they are my worst enemies. Is it totally normal to feel burnt out from all the things that you're not doing with your life? Sure I'm angry at myself and I feel  that I'm actively wasting my own life but obviously I'm not bothered enough to make the necessary changes. Am I too afraid of change? Is it pure laziness? Why do I face so much apprehension within myself when it comes to the precious, fragile, brief existence we all live? I want to be happy and ent...