Carb Buffet
I was bad yesterday. Real freaking naughty. "Please elaborate.", you say.
I had a doughnut and iced coffee for lunch followed by a snack of funnel cake dippers from Burger King.
PMS is that you? Can you please knock it the hell off I'm trying not to be a fatty fat kid here!
Why is it that every month when good old Aunt Flow comes around I turn into a grease grubbing sugar fiend, demon from hell?
It's like all my self control and will power evaporate in a salty sweet cloud of snacks followed only by a chocolate-y chaser!
Ok so you're going to tell me that science will allow for organ transplants and cancer treatments but there is nothing out there to effectively clear up the colony of blemishes that has recently taken up residency on my chin? There is no magic pill to restore my mood or my will to exist? I must be a bloated, mad, cow for the next 5 to 7 days every 28 days????? This just isn't fair! All I have as a women to look forward to in my feminine future is menopause? Word on the street is that menopause is no trip to the candy store.
Really mother nature? We have to trade our monthly cramps, bloating, and food cravings in for even worse mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats, and a vag- jay jay as dry as the Sahara.......I can't wait! Sounds like a good time. There just isn't enough prozac or air conditioning in the world to quell the beast that will undoubtedly someday spring from the depths of my fiery loins, when this menopause beast comes a knocking. Lock up your guns, cover your cod pieces and head for the hills men, it's going to be a blood bath!
Sure there's water pills and Midol but these my friends are feeble attempts at treating the dirty, little, monster that is PMS . I prefer a nice big sleeve of Oreo cookies and my comfy sweats. That is only after I've re-mortgaged my house to afford the hefty cornucopia of tampons amongst the many other sanitary pads, wipes, and sprays that I will require this month!
I suppose I could try one of the many birth control options that are so readily avaialble out there. Thank my lucky stars that they ever so conveniently come in the form of pills, jelly bracelet hormone inserts, tri-monthly shots, or IUD's.
That ship has sailed folks!
While the 10-20 pound weight gain, spotting between periods, possibility of blood clots and stroke all sound like a tropical vacation, I think I'll pass.
I think I'll take my Oreo's and comfy sweats.
I had a doughnut and iced coffee for lunch followed by a snack of funnel cake dippers from Burger King.
PMS is that you? Can you please knock it the hell off I'm trying not to be a fatty fat kid here!
Why is it that every month when good old Aunt Flow comes around I turn into a grease grubbing sugar fiend, demon from hell?
It's like all my self control and will power evaporate in a salty sweet cloud of snacks followed only by a chocolate-y chaser!
Ok so you're going to tell me that science will allow for organ transplants and cancer treatments but there is nothing out there to effectively clear up the colony of blemishes that has recently taken up residency on my chin? There is no magic pill to restore my mood or my will to exist? I must be a bloated, mad, cow for the next 5 to 7 days every 28 days????? This just isn't fair! All I have as a women to look forward to in my feminine future is menopause? Word on the street is that menopause is no trip to the candy store.
Really mother nature? We have to trade our monthly cramps, bloating, and food cravings in for even worse mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats, and a vag- jay jay as dry as the Sahara.......I can't wait! Sounds like a good time. There just isn't enough prozac or air conditioning in the world to quell the beast that will undoubtedly someday spring from the depths of my fiery loins, when this menopause beast comes a knocking. Lock up your guns, cover your cod pieces and head for the hills men, it's going to be a blood bath!
Sure there's water pills and Midol but these my friends are feeble attempts at treating the dirty, little, monster that is PMS . I prefer a nice big sleeve of Oreo cookies and my comfy sweats. That is only after I've re-mortgaged my house to afford the hefty cornucopia of tampons amongst the many other sanitary pads, wipes, and sprays that I will require this month!
I suppose I could try one of the many birth control options that are so readily avaialble out there. Thank my lucky stars that they ever so conveniently come in the form of pills, jelly bracelet hormone inserts, tri-monthly shots, or IUD's.
That ship has sailed folks!
While the 10-20 pound weight gain, spotting between periods, possibility of blood clots and stroke all sound like a tropical vacation, I think I'll pass.
I think I'll take my Oreo's and comfy sweats.
lol I love it!
ReplyDelete