The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

There are no guidelines, pie charts, graphs,  reference books or "HOW TO" manuals on life. There is no magic glovebox that contains a leather bound source on how you should live your life and what bridge you should cross and how and when you should get there. Wouldn't it be fancy if all parents were given a hefty, library dictionary, sized book on exactly what to do with us from the moment we come naked and screaming into this world until the day we ceremoniously check out? what would the chapters look like? Would the titles be customized to each individual's life or would it be more like a generic department store warranty? Like, "Here Mr. Mommy & Daddy here's your baby boy/girl she has a 6 year limited bumper to bumper scratch, ding, or dent warranty. Subject to credit approval. It does not cover sudden death, dismemberment, loss, theft, or water damage." Would the book let you know that your child was going to be average, fat, thin, stupid, s...

I haven't always loved myself. I wonder if I ever have at all. Sure there have been fleeting moments of appreciation and prowess on my part but in the end I am just a slug under my very own pile of salt. I get off on minimizing and cutting myself down. There is little room for self love when you're consumed by all the reasons that the world gives you to hate yourself. Am I crazy? Or is that just the way life is? Chasing the proverbial dragon... Searching for a feeling, something that doesn't exist. Happiness isn't as organic as it should be. Sure it tastes good but "Happiness" is nothing more than Mountain Dew. A confectionary, sonic green, un-natural beverage that we ravenously drink down to get through the day. It perks us up but it's full of shit and inevitably at some point you crash and crash hard. Life is like this giant, expensive magic show. We love to watch the magician and we're entertained by his tricks but in the end we all know it...

When my world was shaken like a snow globe and there seemed to be nobody watching the pieces fall all around me, burying me; you found me. You found me. When I thought that I could never smile or laugh again and I forgot what my happiness looked like; you saw me. You saw me. When I couldn't stand up and I fell with every step that I just couldn't take; you held me. You held me. When I was silent but my tears were screaming; you heard me. You heard me. When I was a ghost haunting and living inside my residual life; you felt me. You felt me. When I couldn't wake up and the nightmares became real; you woke me. You woke me. When I got hung up in my darkness and I couldn't move on; you pushed me. You pushed me. When nobody else could not even myself; you loved me. You love me.

It is in my nature to have a head full of vexations. My disorderly mindedness seems to fixate on what most would deem nonsensical things. It isn't always easy to survive with a head overrun with so much whimsy and useless knowledge; that may or may not borderline a mildly autistic and insane mindset. Which leads to yet another bad habit of my constant self diagnosis and hypochondria. Strangely enough I worry about the excessive amounts of K-Cups that I  and the rest of the world burn through. I wonder if mine and the world's obsession with coffee will end in a future filled with trash heaps and un-recycled plastic skyscrapers standing in place of trees and grass? Coffee is a drug; we are addicted; Keurig is a pimp and we are clearly his bitches. By comparison Keurig is small time compared to the DON of the coffee mafioso better known as Dunkin Donuts. Nothing we can do but swallow back the bitter blackness and admit our defeat. I think about a past friend and wonder w...

Let us not forget that medicine saves lives but medicine is also a billion dollar business and the patients are the cash cows. Most medical interventions and medicines aren't meant to save lives or make you feel better, they're to make the business money! If you're looking for compassion and care, you surly won't find it through your HMO or local hospital. Nurses are usually the ones who provide care and compassion. Like life medicine is not a perfect science. There is something to be said of traditional medicine being combined with homeopathic medicine. Once that is embraced we may see a healthier society. In nursing school we are taught to take care of our patients holistically. When insurance companies and hospitals stop treating patients like drive-thru customers at Burger King than I might respect the establishment. The "Get in:Get out: Get on with you life." approach hasn't been working for the better for quite sometime now. All I or anyone else in t...

On September 11, 2012 I had Roux-En-Y gastric bypass surgery. I had thought about the surgery many times over the last five years or so. A part of me had always felt it was a drastic surgical solution to fight obesity and all the problems that come along with it.  The older I got and the higher my weight climbed and went up and down like a yo-yo. I started to consider weight loss surgery more seriously. I was sick of it. Sick of being fat. Being knowledgeable medically held me back at times,  knowing the pain and recovery and mental challenges can be brutal, hard, and life altering. There are positives and negatives to anything that is such a huge life changing event. I don't regret my decision as I know if I continued life at the weight I was at I would be a prime candidate for diabetes and cardiovascular disease. It wasn't a question of "would I get sick?" but more like "when?".  I had already struggled with many health problems like arthritis...

To all my friends & Family. I am starting a new journey in my life. I have kept quiet up until this point because I feel that most important life decisions are very private and personal. That being said I have been going to classes for roughly the past six months at Tufts NEMC in Boston. I have decided to have weight loss surgery. With all the family health problems associated with obesity such as diabetes, artthritis, heart attack, and stroke. I feel that it is time to finally get serious about weight loss and living a long, happy, healthy life. My surgery is scheduled for September 11, 2012. I am both excited and nervous. There are many pro's and con's to this surgery but for me the benefits outweigh the risks. I hope to blog frequently about my journey and I will be open to any questions   you might have about the surgery if you're just curious or possibly considering the surgery yourself. I have a few family members and friends who have had much success with this ...

Who let the candles all burn away on this dangerously dark day, I am so gray, I am so gray. What came out of my mouth to make things wind up this way? What did I say? What did I say? When the pieces get lost and you can't can't play the game, Then call my name, then call my name. Where the edges are frayed and the threads come undone, that's where I'm from, that's where I'm from. Why does all this bending feel like a mistake? Why can't I break? Why can't I break?

I scream, I cry,  when no one is around I want to toss away these memories and burn this place down I can't erase these feelings and I can't escape the past heartache doesn't die young even if you live fast It's always biting at my back waiting on the ground whenever I stop to catch my breath it's there again to bring me down I want to set fire to my mind and reduce this pain to ash let it all go up in smoke in one big fiery flash It doesn't work that way, life will proceed to blacken what's pure there is no magic remedy it's a sickness without any cure I scream, I cry, when no one is around I want to toss away these memories and burn this place down

There comes a moment in time when you come to the realization that the toxicity of others just has no place in your life. I'm having that moment now. I must admit I've been at this very same precipice before but my heart has always lead me back from the edge. There is a constant battle between my brain and my heart and often times my heart robs my intelligence of it's better decisions.  (1 Corinthians 13.4)  4 " Love is patient,  love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,  it is not easily angered,  it keeps no record of wrongs.  6  Love does not delight in evil  but rejoices with the truth.  7  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,  they will cease; where there are tongues,  they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." ...

Just because I'm silent doesn't mean I don't have anything to say. Exhausted by frustrated tears and years of this.  Truly I must walk away and be as cold as I know I can be, as cold as I should be. Numb and walking away forever. Frostbitten. My mind is throbbing and every piece of me shakes. I'm hurting. So much of me is dead. How am I still here? Why am I still here? Clinging. Aching. Dying. Silently.

My sweet baby Mason, I can not begin to even tell you how much Mommy and Daddy love you. Mommy wanted to write you this letter so I could try and tell you everything that's in my heart. This will be the last day I carry you inside my belly. It has been an adventure and an honor to carry you for these past 21 weeks. I never knew how much I could love something until I found out I was pregnant with you. I will never forget seeing your little heart beat for the first time, watching you kick your little hands and feet, feeling you flutter in my belly for the first time, finding out you were a little boy, and giving you your name. From the very first ultra sound photo I was and still am so in love with you. I was able to see your little face and dreamed of what you would look like when I held you at your birth 9 months later. You are a perfect little miracle and it amazes me still that I was able to have you in my life even if it was for such a short while. I only hope you can feel ...

It doesn't always come easy to lift your head toward the sun to open up your beautiful petals like a blooming geranium. To the world you may seem bold and beautiful but you are delicate and afraid you don't damn the necessary rain and you have come to appreciate the shade. Flowers can't possibly live forever but seeds of hope hold fast, to the memory of all that we love dear and forever that will last. They also say beauty doesn't last forever and from death none of us can hide but when we go it makes way for new things to grow from the memories of the beauty that was left behind. 

I often wonder why happiness seems so difficult to attain. I wonder if it is stamped into my DNA to be unhappy, desperately grouchy, and jaded. I see happiness from a child's perspective and think it should just come naturally. happiness should be simple and easy. For me it seems happiness has been an endless game of cat and mouse since puberty. Happiness should not be work, it should not be another job or task. It should be wonderful, free, and abundant. I am a comedian by nature. I love to laugh and joke and thrive off of making other people laugh. I don't think people realize that the heart, soul, and mind of a comedian can be a very dark and lonely place. Though making others laugh and smile comes easily to me I can't seem to make myself laugh and smile just as easy. Because I am such a clown it is difficult for others to understand that I suffer from extreme bouts of depression and apathy. Intelligent people are often silent sufferers of a multitude of mental illne...

Home is where you've gone when everything has gone wrong. Square peg, round hole unfit, faithless, restless soul. Home is where one longs to flee, but home is not always a safe place to be. Weary legs and weary heart, never allowed an ample, beaming start. out of breath and out of time listening for the clock's last chime. Time's wound down to an alarming end It was never as good as we'd pretend. Wings broken before they flew broken dreams rarely do come true. Buried long before you've died, held back before you've tried. Home is where you'll want to go, though there may not be anyone there you know. Love is strange and want is deep when there's nobody allowed in the vault you keep. Lonely are the ones who weep silently with their heart's asleep. Wretched, ragged, little sins of all the ones who weren't let in. No place to rest your strange, dispirit head you hide from all of it instead. It's sad when you've got ...

I've been thinking a lot lately. Dangerous I know. Conjuring up smoke clouds and the the olfactory hallucination inspired scent of burning, old, greasy gears violently grinding against one other. (that is what I imagine my "thinking" brain to smell like: burning. My unthinking brain smells mostly of old books that have been in a dank library basement fermenting and molding over. God how I love that smell) Every good, average, down home, feminine, girl knows one's mind as well as her underarms and lady parts should be clean, free of hair and wreak of blooming lilacs or exotic fruits. At all times a girl should be "fresh" and somehow evoke involuntary "fresh" thoughts of breezy cape cod shore lines specked with green sea grass and vibrantly potpourried fields full of wild flowers. I'm pretty sure that despite my best efforts at being average and feminine I am very far from it. The only thing "Fresh" about me is my mouth. When people l...

I've always admired your lyrics but the time has come for me to write my own song I am cumbrous with words and my silence feels wrong. silence isn't always golden sometimes it's red and burning I can't seem to distance myself from the flames but I'm learning; I'm learning. The important lessons are often learned painful and slow you don't love with your heart your mind is the one housing your soul. Eyes like windows why are your shades drawn tight? living eyes wide open though you fail to have sight. I have felt the cold barrel of your gun on my lips you never meant to pull the trigger but I bit the bullet when your fingers slipped. I'm standing right here like I've been all along You may not like the lyrics but this is my song.

if you're trying to talk to the old me, she doesn't live here anymore. She's gone. Don't bother to leave a message. I don't think she'll be back. Days like today I have these moments of almost pure clarity or as I like to think a glimpse of my real, deeper self. The me that has gotten buried by emotional landslides, storms, and far too many natural disasters of the emotional spectrum. I'm in a reflective water like mood where I sort of come to an understanding of who I really am and who I have become. I am flooded with deep thoughts that come and go like streams and waves. I am liquid. I sit alone sipping my morning coffee, looking out into the silent, sunny, morning. Protected by my house from the outside world. I sit and look at life though my bay windows. The swaying trees are beautiful and the grass is green. It's spring again and the once lifeless, gray, and cold steel sky is blue again. Life is in full bloom. The air is Chilly but it doesn't h...

Grief has left me torn between who I want to be, who I was, and who I am now. The simple answer is I just don't know. There are so many shattered shards of myself that I have slowly been collecting and piecing back together over the past year. Much like and old, fragile, china teacup that was accidently broken; I have been painstakingly glued back together again and I somewhat resemble the old tea cup I always was but if you look closely you can see tiny bits of me are still missing and will be forever. The minute pieces of myself that like delicate china turned to powder and were just swept away when I shattered. I have many, fine cracks that will never be filled again. Though I am still a tea cup It is careless and dangerous for me to hold liquid any longer. Am I destined to live out the rest of my days in a dusty china cabinet decommissioned and useless? My paint is worn and chipped and here I sit looking normal and put together as long as you keep your distance. I'm forev...