The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

You can't possibly leave me if you were never really here at all though I am grown now you always make me feel so small A lost child in search of happiness that it seems will never come a foreigner in a strange land never knowing where I'm from The blood we share runs lonely underneath this paper skin where your sorrow's refuse to end mine were born to begin The memories and heartache burn hot and fast like wildfire like embers in my heart that continuously smolder and never expire The mirror reflects pieces of you, a face with a broken smile these eyes spill so many tears yet not many of them worthwhile Born into this sin, heavy crosses to bare like breathing in a sand storm never finding the air Breathless and tired falling down on bloody knees kicking and screaming, a screen door caught in a sudden, violent breeze Wandering in a graveyard awaiting kinship with a ghost an unwanted guest I have offended the host

Licking my wounds you left me alone born a drifter never feeling at home Disconnected from you disconnected from me never finding the potential in what I could be Cobwebs and thread covering my heart constantly mending pieces forever falling apart Knowing I can't run and with no wings to fly I watch my own life like a movie as it passes me by An actor in the background no script and no credit a cut or lost scene removed in the edit The mineral sting of blood on my lips the unending reach of my empty fingertips Never tasting love though we share the same plate moldy, forgotten, food that nobody ate I sit at my table and you sit at yours you walk away upright and I crawl on all fours The comfort I will never have the embrace I won't feel these painful wounds are all that is real.

Every time someone asks me how I'm doing I'm tempted to tell them the truth but I don't. I know the truth might scare them away or at best make them feel really awkward. Instead I smile, I laugh, I joke, I put on my happy, normal person face and wait until I get home so I can be alone to fall apart again. I cry at random inappropriate moments. If nobody sees me than they can't judge me. Being awake has become painful but my sleep is full of terrible nightmares of drowning, driving out of control in a car and crashing; usually into water, and being chased with giant hypodermic needles full of poison, tranquilizing, drugs. I can't rest. I'm exhausted. Doing things I used to enjoy like eating or having sex just feel so strange, so foreign to me. I feel like if I'm enjoying something it means I am showing disrespect for my deceased child. I am ashamed of how I feel but I can not help it. I feel like half of myself actually less than half of myself. I wonder how...

It's really windy today, but that barely describes it really. Not just windy but raw, hurricane force, end of times windy. I can't help but think of the phrase they told us so many times in middle school, "spring blows in like a tiger and out like a lamb." How true this is today. Today feels very much tiger-ish. I am the lamb. I am thankful though that at least for today the sky has given up it's winter gray hue and replaced it with the normal blue the sky should always be. The winter sky is so depressing. I like so many others I'm sure, have grown increasingly more and more sick and tired of the monotonous gray of the winter skies. I think they should pump mandatory doses of Vitamin D and anti-depressants in our water supply during the winter months. I also think Winter down the Cape is far more depressing than when I lived farther from the ocean. The ocean is so comforting, relaxing, and beautiful in the spring and summer and it's right at my back door...