The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

There is a darkness inside me keeps running up behind me wish you could find me Try to revive me waiting for the sun to shine on me and stop trying to blind me Maybe life will surprise me Stop trying to define me Stop trying to own me You've never know me Tears flowing from me They'll never numb me Wish you could feel me because this is the real me

I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since my baby has been gone. We still haven't gotten back his ashes. I just want him home with us. I know ashes are not really who he was or is but I guess having some part of Mason with me is something I just need right now, something I really want. Something to help ease this emptiness in me. I am surprised to say that I have not been living out my days in my bed crying. I have broken up with my sofa and have decided to get up. There are times I want to submit to the urge to crumble and fold into the deep depression that is looming over my shoulder, but I don't. I get up, I shower, I do things. I go to the store, I do laundry, I wash dishes. Right now it feels more like a routine, like I'm forcing myself to go forward but I am hoping in time it will feel like me living life again. I eat, I sleep, I dream, and I breath all automatically. It's like I'm on some sort of mental and emotional preservation auto pilot swi...

I feel like my heart was stolen from me but I'm trying to find my way I want to hold and love you though I know you could not stay. I wonder if this emptiness I feel will ever fill up again I want so much to go on breathing but I struggle to find the strength to begin. How can I smile and laugh without you here with me? how can anything be beautiful again if you're not around to see? Everything inside me aches and longs to be with you sometimes I just get so angry for everything you went through. A part of me is forever gone and it hurts worse than any pain I will walk with you forever my angel down on memory lane. I don't want your memory to fade, I don't ever want to forget your sweet face You made me the happiest I have ever been now I'm just lost and out of place. A life cut short before it was even lived, they cut away a part of me too a vital part of myself also died that day along side of you. My sweet baby angel a day does not pass that I don't wish you...

You came into this world early on a cold friday morning. February 11, 2011. Your Birthday was supposed to be June 22, 2011. I held you for a very short time and kissed your sweet little face. Though I know you were a very sick baby letting you go is not easy. I am relieved to know that you did not and will not suffer or feel any pain. Leaving the hospital without you in my arms is the hollowest, empty, most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. I longed and still long to hold you and love you everyday. The early mornings and late nights are the hardest, when it's too quiet and there is nothing to distract me. I can't help but wonder why life is created at all if it was just meant to be lost or taken away before it even began. I feel as though every beat of my heart and every breath I take is painful. I have ultra sound pictures, your footprints, your blankets that you were wrapped in at birth, and a few books and things that were meant to be yours. These things will never...

"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life." , Bill Murray said it best in the movie "Groundhog Day" I can't help but feel that same feeling of bleakness and darkness looming over me today. Life is full of comedy and tragedy, ups and downs, wrongs and rights. Bad things happen at random to good people for no apparent reason at all. Horrible acts of rape, murder, and death strike people everyday without cause. It hurts the worst when it hits at home. One can't seem to imagine why this horrible "thing" has happened to them. Is God vengeful, angry, absent, or just punishing them? There is no rhyme or reason as to why life unfolds the way it does or how your story will play out. You can plan your whole life out, carefully monitoring every move and action but life is not unlike a game of chance. You could get hit by a truck tomorrow morning and ...