The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

If I had a list of all the things I've done right in life I'm damn sure it would be a hell of a lot shorter than all my wrong doings. I'm a habitual mistake maker and the queen of, "Fucking shit up." There is no book, no guide to life or how to live it correctly. Even if there was I'm pretty sure I would not have bothered to read it. I'm an oppositional, button-pusher, asshole, extraordinaire! I don't understand ignorance nor do I want to be ignorant but I envy those who can stare off blankly, ignorantly blissful and without a single thought in their empty, little heads. They are happy because they simply don't think about life or question it the way I do. Am I brilliant or am I insane? Are they right and I'm wrong? Who's wires are crossed? Mine or theirs? Is a false sense of happiness better than the painful truth of it all? If this was all an illusion would you even want to know? If we are just droids in a humanoid game of...

Her lips may be still but never assume she is at a loss of words. Mistake her silence not for a lack of verbosity. She has plenty to say, though she has fallen silent. She's just paralyzed, speechless, reeling; inside. Thoughts, memories, decisions, mistakes, ideas, and choices,  roll through her like waves during a hurricane. She shifts from side to side, drifting like a ship at sea. Scenarios play out slowly at first then quickly; clicking wildly around and around in circles like 8 millimeter film. Pictures appearing one by one like thousands of photo albums pulled from a dusty shelf. Flip, flip, flip...... She turns the pages. There's lightening inside her and sometimes when it strikes just right she's on fire: up in flames she burns steady for hours, days, weeks,  months even. It feels like years. It's been too long since she was held. Strong arms wrapped around her so tight; so lovingly that her soul feels safe again. Her heart is like fireflies in ...

She thought she had nothing more to give so she gave it all away, broken hearted girl that couldn't make love stay. She led all the horses to the water and each one took a drink, Now the riverbed is dryer than dead men's eyes that cannot  blink. Where once a lush forest grew is now a dark and hollow place, Cracks and decay litter the ground and mirror the worried lines of her face. Young woman old before her time the weather has been unkind, Adrift among unpleasant and impulsive thoughts some say she's lost her mind.

Hold her for a moment for she is diamond  dust Carried away on your next breath, a heart not quick to trust. There's mystery in her sparkle a shine that will burn your eyes her smile is a costume her beauty's a disguise. A little bit of black widow mixed with dragonflies a gracefully, cunning and captivating  creature with venom in her eyes. Her laughter as real as thunder with a stormy , suspicious smile Natural disa sters can not go on forever so just hold her for a while.

Not smooth at all like milk and honey she laughs real hard when shit ain't funny Nervous laughter in important  meetings flighty life; she has her demons hard girl with a secret soft side temper like a live land mine she's steady, straight always fighting to stay above  water homegrown and real but she's not the farmers daughter Not country, not city, she's from outter space mind like a dimond with a pretty face Don't misunderstand the lessons she'll teach you she knows enough to walk away when her message don't reach you Always willing to love but her heart will come first an oasis in the dessert when you're dying of thirst she's the first one to save you but don't get it twisted if you don't take her hand you'll be sorry you missed it More likely to catch a unicorn then get a second chance to be the base dropping in the beat of her dance Keep her close but never snuff out her flame find all the pieces and keep playing...

Pop the cork and the party starts, you can't mend my broken heart. You'll do for now until it all goes dark. You can't pour happiness but numbness is nice, when heartache and tears no longer suffice. Feelings and good decisions fall by the way side, as inhibitions and boundaries crash in a landslide. Fermented grapes the drink of kings, nobody talks about the trouble that royalty brings. When the liquid is done flowing and the moment has passed, all that was there before  comes rushing in fast. The throbbing, the aching, the nausea and pain, Forever a passenger on this runaway train.

I'm poisoning myself. I am the poison. The venom. I'm toxic. Damaged. Corosive. Allowing myself to be used up. Eaten. Swallowed whole. I'm almost gone. My spirit is so wounded. Soul tired. Worn. My silence is so painful. Hurting and numbness go around and around. Circles and cycles and sleepless nights. I die a little more inside with every unspoken tear. Too late. Too lost. Unsaved. Unsolved. Listless. Lonely. Love isn't real anymore. Then again maybe it never was.

love is like rain and it comes without warning. It can downpour or come in light showers. It's unpredictable. It can be accompanied by gusts of wind or thunder and lightening. It can be loud, threatening and cause damage but also beautiful. Without the rain plants would wither and die and rainbows would never be. Love like rain can be seen from a window. From secret rooms looking out. We may avoid it and take shelter from a safe distance while never truly feeling it. Some of us choose to dance in it, submit to the wetness, while other chose to stay dry. There are times of drought. There are monsoons and floods. There is much power and strength in water. We build dams and steal energy from it; but chaos we never meant to be controlled. Not forever. Not for long. Nature will always find a way to run free. You can not bottle rain.

Life; like a carnival is full of many different rides and experiences. It's noisy, chaotic, distracting yet beautiful. There's oddities, side shows, animals, fried foods, funhouses, games, roller-coasters, and the occasional "Tunnel of love". If your not careful you can get caught up in a haunted house or two and lose a lot of money playing games you can not win. There are scams and cheap prizes. There is laughter, tears, screams of joy and fear, cotton candy, and sometimes even vomiting. You can walk around quietly observing your surroundings. You can people watch or you can participate and become the person people like to watch. You can ride every ride you come across or stay on the "Tea Cups" all day. You can spin and spin and spin around until you're sick, if that is what you choose to do. Do you play is safe on the slow rides or do you fancy the thrill and rush of the fast ones? Like a carnival there are the "thrill seekers" and ...

Cold french fries after a long night at work. Driving the back roads, choosing the long way home. Time to think, time to reflect, time to escape. Police lights, street lights, road signs, night sky, pavement and trees. A constant battle of artificial and real;  man made fighting nature. There's always music to compete with the thoughts. Inner monolog vibrates inside the unquiet, unsteady, mind. Turn the music up. Press the gas. Faster. Louder. Going. Stopping. Fatigue sets in and focus breaks. Unraveling the long day. Memories and the "why" of it all crackle much louder than the gravel through the tires. Words never meant to be heard aloud pass through exhausted lips. Sound spills like a waterfall and bounces around like thousands of tiny, champagne bubbles. Behind the wheel where speed and feelings match.

I have always seen much beauty in the world there is so much happiness and love, I just can't find it within myself. I carry a very thick blanket of darkness. I'm tired of fighting its suffocation. I feel I've lost everything. I have hurt the ones I love the most. I've been cruel and selfish. It's very hard to live with that. The guilt and pain consume me most days. Thick like fog. I can't see my way out of it. Call me weak, because I am. I made this bed and I will lay in it. I will die in it. I have been praying for peace yet it doesn't come. I'm forsaken. Lost. I am eternally sorry to the depths of my soul for the sadness I have created and spread like a pandemic. I am a disease. I can not change the past nor can I see the future. I have failed at motherhood and being a good wife. I haven't been a good friend in far too long. I can't laugh like I used to. My failures are taking their toll and it's a heavy price to pay. I'm tired, ...

Do you want to punch a snowman New England edition: http://youtu.be/mRZ-kdqBJKo

I'm hungry. I  don't eat. I'm confused, losing control. So tired. Sleep escapes me. My legs are running in place when I'm trying to lay still. Crawling insects are inside me,all over my body,  biting and eating my skin. I'm hurting. Every noise makes me startled and angry. My insides churn like bloody fish guts in a chum bucket. I'm rotten. Too numb to be sad. Too bored to smile. Wolves have the whitest teeth. They are sharp and meant to tear flesh. They don't smile either they snear instead. I'm more wolf than woman. I growl. I'm vicious and mean. There's a thick fog. I'm being swallowed whole. I'm too tired to run. I'm falling. There's ice and snow and gray skies everywhere I look. My footing is unsteady. I'm cold. Thick blankets, fuzzy socks, hot bath. Paint my toes, shave my legs. My most comfy PJ'S. I'm lonely.

Do you feel the ghost of me when I'm not around? Do you feel the emptiness when I can't  be found? Am I lost? Am I dead? I'm buried beneath my thoughts? Hoping my sanity can be saved, but I rarely get what I want. My chest is tight, my breath is caught, I'm lying still but also spinning so far away and wild. I am showing you my woman's face and mature smile,  though inside I'm crying like a child. I'm burning up quick like paper and soon I will float away. Ashes on a stormy wind, flutter on for forever and a day. Powerless to stop it. I can not slow it down. How can I breath in the ocean but seem to never drown? I blame myself for hurting. I make myself insane. A glutton for my own punishment. I must like the pain.