The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

There comes a moment in time when you come to the realization that the toxicity of others just has no place in your life. I'm having that moment now. I must admit I've been at this very same precipice before but my heart has always lead me back from the edge. There is a constant battle between my brain and my heart and often times my heart robs my intelligence of it's better decisions.  (1 Corinthians 13.4)  4 " Love is patient,  love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,  it is not easily angered,  it keeps no record of wrongs.  6  Love does not delight in evil  but rejoices with the truth.  7  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8  Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,  they will cease; where there are tongues,  they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." ...

Just because I'm silent doesn't mean I don't have anything to say. Exhausted by frustrated tears and years of this.  Truly I must walk away and be as cold as I know I can be, as cold as I should be. Numb and walking away forever. Frostbitten. My mind is throbbing and every piece of me shakes. I'm hurting. So much of me is dead. How am I still here? Why am I still here? Clinging. Aching. Dying. Silently.

My sweet baby Mason, I can not begin to even tell you how much Mommy and Daddy love you. Mommy wanted to write you this letter so I could try and tell you everything that's in my heart. This will be the last day I carry you inside my belly. It has been an adventure and an honor to carry you for these past 21 weeks. I never knew how much I could love something until I found out I was pregnant with you. I will never forget seeing your little heart beat for the first time, watching you kick your little hands and feet, feeling you flutter in my belly for the first time, finding out you were a little boy, and giving you your name. From the very first ultra sound photo I was and still am so in love with you. I was able to see your little face and dreamed of what you would look like when I held you at your birth 9 months later. You are a perfect little miracle and it amazes me still that I was able to have you in my life even if it was for such a short while. I only hope you can feel ...

It doesn't always come easy to lift your head toward the sun to open up your beautiful petals like a blooming geranium. To the world you may seem bold and beautiful but you are delicate and afraid you don't damn the necessary rain and you have come to appreciate the shade. Flowers can't possibly live forever but seeds of hope hold fast, to the memory of all that we love dear and forever that will last. They also say beauty doesn't last forever and from death none of us can hide but when we go it makes way for new things to grow from the memories of the beauty that was left behind.