The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

Hands of an artist rough and callused yet their touch is so loving and gentle skilled fingers that caress and paint my skin's canvas never once detrimental. Beside me, inside me, or just holding my hands fingers twirling my hair, falling all around me in careless, loose strands. The skilled hands of a saint with the smile of a sinner each time is a masterpiece, every time you're eager like a beginner.

I wish I was a day girl allowed to feel the warm sun upon my skin Instead I drift amongst the night time shadows swimming in my sins. Do the dead have x-ray vision? Do they see all my mistakes? Hiding behind all the misery as I'm shaken to my core by this catastrophic quake. Do they linger in the darkness watching all my nightmares and dreams? Knowing when I'm crying out watching me beg and scream. All my lessons have been learned the hard way my scars are plentiful and deep I long for some comfort from all the sadness that I must keep. My body and mind are heavy, my heart stung by so much pain and loss. knowing peace may be waiting on the other side makes it a tempting line to want to cross.

Can the true key to a happiness be as simple as beautiful weather, the sun shinning with all the windows down in the car, driving alone down the back roads? Feeling free in sunbathed warmth, just letting all your thoughts float like tiny ships within your own oceanic mind space. Can the best therapy truly be nothing at all? The same life that can be cruel and take things away can give right back in an instant. Soothing you mere moments after it has burned you. Funny thing life is. So manic depressive. Like handing somebody a blanket after throwing them into a blizzard naked. Sometimes the smallest and simplest of things can be the most therapeutic things of all. There was a time when solitude would have scared the breath out of my lungs and being alone was everything but easy. As time marches forward I have found peace within myself. Like it or not I must be part of the inevitable march. I have found strength I didn't know was possible and my legs are able to hold me up without...

I wish I could put to sleep the pieces of me that are just like you the evil way I resist and push away and fight the way you do. The flame inside burns eternal and rears it's ugly head forever wishing to flood and wash it away I drain myself instead. How many times can you fight yourself? The battle never ending: how far down can you bury the truth constantly pretending? Willing to change though it seems impossible when you share this blood bond we do drama and pain are never trailing far behind, never ceasing their follow through. Snapping back and stinging like a broken elastic your love is poison and tragic but I can't seem to get past it.

I can not shake this weirdness, I struggle to make it feel all right I can no more see the reasons why than my simple, human, eyes can see at night. I long to find the answers like they're written in your eyes Promises are always made forever but even forever lies! The velvety black of darkness cloaks over my rising sun heaven knows not what it has taken or cares who it was taken from. It never has to be spoken because it's all written here on my skin branded like a scarlet letter confessing all my sins. Often times it goes unspoken for there is no sacred space burying tragedy beneath comedy while misery slowly takes their place. should I choose not to fuel the flames of jealousy and spite means I've given up my passion and my ability to fight.

Nothing is perfect here the walls have always been cracked and peeling so many boxes packed inside lined up from floor to ceiling. Storms have beat against the outside and some storms rage inside these four walls are stronger than they seem there's so many places one can hide. Many have knocked at my door but few are let inside moths and spiders sneak in all the time and they will not go no matter how many times that I have tried. Forced to live side by side with the ghosts that also roam the halls their voices like music that's far away, soft and mumbled but I can always hear their calls. There's dust that never settles here and there are pictures that no one else was meant to see trapped inside this house where none of us are free. The rain easily seeps inside, it's drafty and sometimes hot the outside is painted and perfect pretending to be something it is not. No matter how cold the winter gets my heart will not go numb to try and forget the pain is to deny where I ...

When the tornadoes surreptitiously come frantically we search for a hand to hold but instead feel the scorching fingers of the sun Like a dessert in our lungs stealing at our breath our heart's rolling like ocean waves leaving us bereft Sweet relief in the silence when all becomes stone and still so carefully the water breaks pretending it does not spill Searching for a loop hole somewhere we can carefully fall through and we flutter together just beneath the surface with dragonfly wings of blue Rain can't flood our dreams here nor can the storms stop us from our dance the forever of our magic moment the victory of chance

I can't help but think that my chronic disappointment and negativity toward myself and life in general is the result of my upbringing. How many times can you come up short before you bow you head and agree with the universe that you just suck!? I sometimes can't help but think that maybe the "FAIL" that I often times feel as an adult has been ever so painfully branded into my DNA since childhood. The very fiber of my being is coated with the heavy, thick, syrup of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy. The shit is heavy and sticky and it constantly weighs me down. As a young child I thought with excitement , "someday I'll be a singer or a movie star or an elegant ballerina princess!" The world was full of endless possibility and I was told I could be anything I wanted to be. That my friend is a lie! I'm short, and fat, and I can only dance when I'm loaded and it's nothing worthy of admission to Juilliard. I can "WANT" to be an as...

Since you couldn't live with most of me now you get to live with the ghost of me someday I pray that I'll be free of all the ghosts that cry out inside of me moaning reminders of what will never be I survived not unremarkably full of all this paranormal activity haunted is all I'll ever be

Wake up, move on, pretend everything is okay feeling too much makes my words melt away. I still think of it always and it pains me to know I will never get to see my little one grow. Left here to wonder why you had to go and leave me prayers and angels God I beg you to believe me, when I say I can't stop hurting when I say I have tried when I tell you a very big piece of my heart has died. When I try to listen when I try to understand my heart is bleeding and I leave with empty hands. I'm on my knees a slave to this grief pain above all pain I ache for relief. struck again and again haunted by the memories of you two lovely,lonely souls with no home to claim to. A candle in a hurricane the fire never had the chance with the wind at my feet I can no longer dance. One part wishing that I had never met you but all of me entirely praying that I never forget you. Everything seems impossible when you're left with an awful choice yelling into the wind the storm has taken my voice...

How can I begin to say goodbye? To let go is to try and forget and to try and forget is impossible. Can I forget happiness, sadness, love and pain? You are everything and everything is gone. Not lost ; not given up; not broken but taken away. Breathing without lungs, standing without legs, flesh without blood, living with no heart.

laying still, thoughts spinning so fast like a thousand silver spider webs. darkness weaves like long hallways and endless tunnels that turn into dreams. The soul is haunted by many ghosts and they live side by side under the blackest sky full of nightmares. The heavy thunder of a heart and the soft belly of a soul together building a dreamscape. Tenderly the heart beats with long forgotten terror and unabashed love. Forever the blood pulses and spills warm, copious, darkness out into the night. The liquid pools overflow and become red and black rivers that rage into the salinity of the deep ocean. The sky stretches out to meet the ocean and at the horizon where they meet all seems black and blue.

You asked me if I was happy. I didn't know how to answer you. My answer was sometimes, laughing when I said it. Sometimes laughter disguises tears. How sad it is to admit that you lack the ability to do the very simplest of things. I think you were drinking. I too was drunk on your words. You miss me. I miss you too. Thoughts bobbing like a cork on a sea of red wine or scotch. Bottle-less and warm, flowing freely and openly. How nice to be missed, to be wanted around. Bringing happiness and laughter to everyone else but yourself. The ultimate torture. knowing you should appreciate every breath you take but holding your breath. Knowing you should embrace every memory, every color, every feeling, but instead you're letting go.

You can't possibly leave me if you were never really here at all though I am grown now you always make me feel so small A lost child in search of happiness that it seems will never come a foreigner in a strange land never knowing where I'm from The blood we share runs lonely underneath this paper skin where your sorrow's refuse to end mine were born to begin The memories and heartache burn hot and fast like wildfire like embers in my heart that continuously smolder and never expire The mirror reflects pieces of you, a face with a broken smile these eyes spill so many tears yet not many of them worthwhile Born into this sin, heavy crosses to bare like breathing in a sand storm never finding the air Breathless and tired falling down on bloody knees kicking and screaming, a screen door caught in a sudden, violent breeze Wandering in a graveyard awaiting kinship with a ghost an unwanted guest I have offended the host

Licking my wounds you left me alone born a drifter never feeling at home Disconnected from you disconnected from me never finding the potential in what I could be Cobwebs and thread covering my heart constantly mending pieces forever falling apart Knowing I can't run and with no wings to fly I watch my own life like a movie as it passes me by An actor in the background no script and no credit a cut or lost scene removed in the edit The mineral sting of blood on my lips the unending reach of my empty fingertips Never tasting love though we share the same plate moldy, forgotten, food that nobody ate I sit at my table and you sit at yours you walk away upright and I crawl on all fours The comfort I will never have the embrace I won't feel these painful wounds are all that is real.

Every time someone asks me how I'm doing I'm tempted to tell them the truth but I don't. I know the truth might scare them away or at best make them feel really awkward. Instead I smile, I laugh, I joke, I put on my happy, normal person face and wait until I get home so I can be alone to fall apart again. I cry at random inappropriate moments. If nobody sees me than they can't judge me. Being awake has become painful but my sleep is full of terrible nightmares of drowning, driving out of control in a car and crashing; usually into water, and being chased with giant hypodermic needles full of poison, tranquilizing, drugs. I can't rest. I'm exhausted. Doing things I used to enjoy like eating or having sex just feel so strange, so foreign to me. I feel like if I'm enjoying something it means I am showing disrespect for my deceased child. I am ashamed of how I feel but I can not help it. I feel like half of myself actually less than half of myself. I wonder how...

It's really windy today, but that barely describes it really. Not just windy but raw, hurricane force, end of times windy. I can't help but think of the phrase they told us so many times in middle school, "spring blows in like a tiger and out like a lamb." How true this is today. Today feels very much tiger-ish. I am the lamb. I am thankful though that at least for today the sky has given up it's winter gray hue and replaced it with the normal blue the sky should always be. The winter sky is so depressing. I like so many others I'm sure, have grown increasingly more and more sick and tired of the monotonous gray of the winter skies. I think they should pump mandatory doses of Vitamin D and anti-depressants in our water supply during the winter months. I also think Winter down the Cape is far more depressing than when I lived farther from the ocean. The ocean is so comforting, relaxing, and beautiful in the spring and summer and it's right at my back door...

There is a darkness inside me keeps running up behind me wish you could find me Try to revive me waiting for the sun to shine on me and stop trying to blind me Maybe life will surprise me Stop trying to define me Stop trying to own me You've never know me Tears flowing from me They'll never numb me Wish you could feel me because this is the real me

I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since my baby has been gone. We still haven't gotten back his ashes. I just want him home with us. I know ashes are not really who he was or is but I guess having some part of Mason with me is something I just need right now, something I really want. Something to help ease this emptiness in me. I am surprised to say that I have not been living out my days in my bed crying. I have broken up with my sofa and have decided to get up. There are times I want to submit to the urge to crumble and fold into the deep depression that is looming over my shoulder, but I don't. I get up, I shower, I do things. I go to the store, I do laundry, I wash dishes. Right now it feels more like a routine, like I'm forcing myself to go forward but I am hoping in time it will feel like me living life again. I eat, I sleep, I dream, and I breath all automatically. It's like I'm on some sort of mental and emotional preservation auto pilot swi...

I feel like my heart was stolen from me but I'm trying to find my way I want to hold and love you though I know you could not stay. I wonder if this emptiness I feel will ever fill up again I want so much to go on breathing but I struggle to find the strength to begin. How can I smile and laugh without you here with me? how can anything be beautiful again if you're not around to see? Everything inside me aches and longs to be with you sometimes I just get so angry for everything you went through. A part of me is forever gone and it hurts worse than any pain I will walk with you forever my angel down on memory lane. I don't want your memory to fade, I don't ever want to forget your sweet face You made me the happiest I have ever been now I'm just lost and out of place. A life cut short before it was even lived, they cut away a part of me too a vital part of myself also died that day along side of you. My sweet baby angel a day does not pass that I don't wish you...

You came into this world early on a cold friday morning. February 11, 2011. Your Birthday was supposed to be June 22, 2011. I held you for a very short time and kissed your sweet little face. Though I know you were a very sick baby letting you go is not easy. I am relieved to know that you did not and will not suffer or feel any pain. Leaving the hospital without you in my arms is the hollowest, empty, most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. I longed and still long to hold you and love you everyday. The early mornings and late nights are the hardest, when it's too quiet and there is nothing to distract me. I can't help but wonder why life is created at all if it was just meant to be lost or taken away before it even began. I feel as though every beat of my heart and every breath I take is painful. I have ultra sound pictures, your footprints, your blankets that you were wrapped in at birth, and a few books and things that were meant to be yours. These things will never...

"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life." , Bill Murray said it best in the movie "Groundhog Day" I can't help but feel that same feeling of bleakness and darkness looming over me today. Life is full of comedy and tragedy, ups and downs, wrongs and rights. Bad things happen at random to good people for no apparent reason at all. Horrible acts of rape, murder, and death strike people everyday without cause. It hurts the worst when it hits at home. One can't seem to imagine why this horrible "thing" has happened to them. Is God vengeful, angry, absent, or just punishing them? There is no rhyme or reason as to why life unfolds the way it does or how your story will play out. You can plan your whole life out, carefully monitoring every move and action but life is not unlike a game of chance. You could get hit by a truck tomorrow morning and ...

Medical science has come a long way in the past few decades and because of this many lives have been prolonged and even saved. Cancer can be cured, once life threatening ailments can be treated, and fatal diseases like Small pox and tuberculosis have been pretty much eradicated. With technology and medical science doing top notch research and making groundbreaking progress this can leave a lot of room for loss of holistic approach to healing and mind and body wellness. It seems to me that much of the medical field has turned as cold and sterile as the hospital equipment itself. Doctor's appointments and hospital visits have turned into concrete factoids made up of lab test values and diagnostic test results. Most of the time there is little room for emotional and spiritual wellness because it is overshadowed by so much scientific evidence. Being pregnant is supposed to be one of the happiest times in a women's life. Compared to the births of our parents and grandparents, when...