The Daft, Demented, and Delirious

Just give me a a moment to collect my thoughts. Just give me some space. Just give me a second. Just give me a lifetime. There's never enough time to think but then again it's all I ever do. Can't escape your own head. Everything is a disease, a diagnosis, a disorder. ODD, ADD, Depressed, Manic, PTSD, Bi-Polar, Addict, Grieving. 12 steps. The stages of grieving. Forgiveness. Trauma. When did we start diagnosing emotions and validating feelings? Labels can be read easily enough but labels don't always make things easier to understand. I'm not a box of cake mix. I'm not an electronic device. I'm not a piece of furniture from IKEA. I don't come with instructions written conveniently in 3 languages. You can't press 1 for English. You can't label me, sell me, put me together or take me apart. I don't come with spare nuts and bolts. I don't come prepackaged with glue and screws. You can't Google me to figure out how I w...

Soul so tired like time worn cloth Holed and frayed up eaten by moths In the depth of this ocean, Davey Jones Locker is deep Brackish waters hide secrets and underneath it the beasts creep Even strong swimmers tire in the heat of long summer days winter comes along and freezes all the warmth away

Two years ago I started my journey though my true journey has no real beginning or end. I am a constant work in progress. I am a canvas that has been painted again and again, layer by layer by a tortured artist who feels they will never get it right. My layers are strong, thick, and they protect me. I am art. Crazy, subjective, beautiful, awful, happy, sad, wonderful, art. I don't know if I ever did or if I ever will feel completely at ease with myself. I don't know if I will ever embrace my physical and emotional self. I am an addict. Food is my addiction. For years it was there for me through happiness, sadness and all my ups and downs. It comforted me but it also robbed me.  It made me obese. It gave me diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic bronchitis, depression, anxiety, infertility. Worst of all it made me settle for a sub par life. I could not walk long distances or run up the stairs. I could not ride all the rides at the amusement park and I couldn't dance or e...

Back where I began, here I am again; reliving my old sins; darkness my old friend. Chemicals in my veins don't make it go away

People make think they truly know you, they think they understand you by the way you speak, the way you smile, the way you carry yourself and by how you appear outwardly to the world. People think they understand who you truly are by appearances alone. Many of us see the cover of a book; maybe read the first few pages and make our judgements. Never bothering to go deeper or bothering to read the entire story. That is a mistake. The world is a stage and were all actors, some better than others and some more famous than others. Some are beautiful, some are ugly, some are uncanny, some are just plain crazy. Some of us are reckless, some are awkward, some abuse drugs, some abuse themselves in various ways, some of us seemingly live to abuse or hurt others. Some of us are still acting even when the camera isn't rolling and the lights are down. For some the scene will never cut, the curtain will not fall, there will be no fade to black, and there will never be a wrap...

Been feeling some type of way. It's 2014 and we have literally everything we could ever need at our fingertips. why then is there more depression, and mental duress than ever? On some strange emotional scale human beings seen to be becoming more and more disconnected every time we plug in or log on to some other amazing new technological device. If you don't know something; Google it. "Google" is no longer a search engine but also an adjective. Are we getting smarter or is that just something we tell ourselves to stay lazy and comfortable wrapped up in our tiny worlds of ipods and instagram? Having coffee with a friend has given way to "snap chats" and Skype. Kids would rather take selfies than take a walk outside. Our society is addicted to social media and more narcissistic than ever. I am guilty of it and it makes me sad. This is not who I dreamed I would be when I was a kid. I thought being an adult was going to be awesome but mostly it's a conf...

Did you ever feel everything at once? Did you ever forget you were numb? Is it better to feel everything? Is it better to feel nothing? Ignorance is bliss......... So I've heard. Chemicals and chemistry and  my body is a science project. Everything comes back full force and I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if I can take it anymore. All I've ever been is weird. All I've ever felt is wired. My wiring is bad. Fix me. I'm broken. An outdated, old,  machine too costly to repair and far too damaged to keep using. I get used anyway. We use each other I suppose. I'm tired. You write the scripts and I'll take your pills. I am an addict and you are my dealer.

She's a candle with both ends burning. She burns too hot, until she's burnt out. She stands on a cliff where the earth is crumbling; there is quicksand below. She's running, she was born to run far and away She's exhausted because it's been years. Path after path none of them are the right ones and none of them lead home. She never really did feel at home anywhere. She's lost;  turning and turning until everything blurs together. She's spinning wildly. She turns to no one at all. She see's the perfect sky and the perfect earth and she knows she is perfectly inept and perfectly stuck in a place she can't appreciate because she is in fact imperfect. A beautiful creature. A beautiful fish with languid, gossamer, fins that long for the endless, caress of the ocean, but it's not the ocean at all it's a four sided, glass prison where everyone is watching. She can't escape.

Rule number one is to never give unsolicited weight loss advice. What works for you may not work for someone else. Being the "Fat girl" for the first 30 years of my life has taught me that nobody likes a weight loss bragger. If you are losing weight and feeling fab keep it to yourself unless someone compliments you or asks you for advice. Nothing makes a fat girl eat more Twinkies than a thin, bragging, loud and proud bitch. Keep that shit on lock. Remember what it was like when you were a big girl. Never forget where you came from: FAT GIRL CODE! That being said I have a lot of people ask me how I have lost and how I maintain my weight loss. This is what works for me. I decided 16 months ago that I wanted a better life for myself. When I first started this journey it was the first time I did it for me and nobody else. I wanted to be able to run up the stairs and not have a sweat stash from going to the couch from the bathroom. I was FAT. Yes I was FAT. I used the "F...