Gray Area
I often wonder why happiness seems so difficult to attain. I wonder if it is stamped into my DNA to be unhappy, desperately grouchy, and jaded.
I see happiness from a child's perspective and think it should just come naturally. happiness should be simple and easy. For me it seems happiness has been an endless game of cat and mouse since puberty. Happiness should not be work, it should not be another job or task. It should be wonderful, free, and abundant.
I am a comedian by nature. I love to laugh and joke and thrive off of making other people laugh. I don't think people realize that the heart, soul, and mind of a comedian can be a very dark and lonely place.
Though making others laugh and smile comes easily to me I can't seem to make myself laugh and smile just as easy.
Because I am such a clown it is difficult for others to understand that I suffer from extreme bouts of depression and apathy. Intelligent people are often silent sufferers of a multitude of mental illnesses. I once heard somebody say, "There is something very wrong when you look to a room full of strangers to seek approval."
How true this is for this funny girl.
In the poem, Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College, Thomas Gray said, "Ignorance is bliss."
Can it be so simple to say that lack of knowledge leads to happiness?
In the same breath is it fair to assume that all people who identify themselves as being happy are ignorant?
I consider myself to be intelligent, intellectual, and well read. To be fair I am not always professional and I cuss a lot. Not all smart people are uppity, tea sipping, aristocrats. You can be highly intelligent and still appreciate a few good cuss words.
I want to be happy and to appreciate the simple pleasures life has to offer but I know that I will never be "ignorant". I know there are very bad things that happen to very good people and I know that life is often times unfair without reason. Knowing this and feeling emotionally bound to the painful realities of this world prevent me from doing so.
With the same depth and passion that I feel for life and the pursuit of happiness I have always felt that I feel everything on an emotionally higher level than most.
I am not some emotionally dejected recluse. I do smile, laugh, and enjoy things but not nearly as much as a person should.
I do feel as if it is ignorant to ignore the fact that pain and suffering are alive and well, just because your life is seemingly normal and without strife.
One can not live inside a bubble and ignore the fact that life can and will be cruel without just cause. People suffer everyday and injustice thrives among all cultures.
Innocent children die, wonderful people get cancer, there is war, murder, and natural disasters. None of it is fair. Just because it doesn't happen to you or anyone you know doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It is difficult to understand why more "bad" people and criminals don't die instead of "good" people with many family and friends who will love and miss them terribly.
Our prison's are full yet our morals are often empty. The less we care about each other the more society falls apart.
Emotions are very black and white. You either care too much or not enough. I like many others am in a desperate search for a "gray" area. A common ground between black and white, between good and bad, between comedy and tragedy.
Somewhere in the middle of chaos and control lies happiness.
I see happiness from a child's perspective and think it should just come naturally. happiness should be simple and easy. For me it seems happiness has been an endless game of cat and mouse since puberty. Happiness should not be work, it should not be another job or task. It should be wonderful, free, and abundant.
I am a comedian by nature. I love to laugh and joke and thrive off of making other people laugh. I don't think people realize that the heart, soul, and mind of a comedian can be a very dark and lonely place.
Though making others laugh and smile comes easily to me I can't seem to make myself laugh and smile just as easy.
Because I am such a clown it is difficult for others to understand that I suffer from extreme bouts of depression and apathy. Intelligent people are often silent sufferers of a multitude of mental illnesses. I once heard somebody say, "There is something very wrong when you look to a room full of strangers to seek approval."
How true this is for this funny girl.
In the poem, Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College, Thomas Gray said, "Ignorance is bliss."
Can it be so simple to say that lack of knowledge leads to happiness?
In the same breath is it fair to assume that all people who identify themselves as being happy are ignorant?
I consider myself to be intelligent, intellectual, and well read. To be fair I am not always professional and I cuss a lot. Not all smart people are uppity, tea sipping, aristocrats. You can be highly intelligent and still appreciate a few good cuss words.
I want to be happy and to appreciate the simple pleasures life has to offer but I know that I will never be "ignorant". I know there are very bad things that happen to very good people and I know that life is often times unfair without reason. Knowing this and feeling emotionally bound to the painful realities of this world prevent me from doing so.
With the same depth and passion that I feel for life and the pursuit of happiness I have always felt that I feel everything on an emotionally higher level than most.
I am not some emotionally dejected recluse. I do smile, laugh, and enjoy things but not nearly as much as a person should.
I do feel as if it is ignorant to ignore the fact that pain and suffering are alive and well, just because your life is seemingly normal and without strife.
One can not live inside a bubble and ignore the fact that life can and will be cruel without just cause. People suffer everyday and injustice thrives among all cultures.
Innocent children die, wonderful people get cancer, there is war, murder, and natural disasters. None of it is fair. Just because it doesn't happen to you or anyone you know doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It is difficult to understand why more "bad" people and criminals don't die instead of "good" people with many family and friends who will love and miss them terribly.
Our prison's are full yet our morals are often empty. The less we care about each other the more society falls apart.
Emotions are very black and white. You either care too much or not enough. I like many others am in a desperate search for a "gray" area. A common ground between black and white, between good and bad, between comedy and tragedy.
Somewhere in the middle of chaos and control lies happiness.
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