Blood, Fat & Tears

On September 11, 2012 I had Roux-En-Y gastric bypass surgery.

I had thought about the surgery many times over the last five years or so.

A part of me had always felt it was a drastic surgical solution to fight obesity and all the problems that come along with it. 

The older I got and the higher my weight climbed and went up and down like a yo-yo. I started to consider weight loss surgery more seriously. I was sick of it. Sick of being fat.

Being knowledgeable medically held me back at times,  knowing the pain and recovery and mental challenges can be brutal, hard, and life altering.

There are positives and negatives to anything that is such a huge life changing event.

I don't regret my decision as I know if I continued life at the weight I was at I would be a prime candidate for diabetes and cardiovascular disease. It wasn't a question of "would I get sick?" but more like "when?". 

I had already struggled with many health problems like arthritis, PCOS, a tragic birth defect and subsequent loss of my son, and was taking medications to balance my blood glucose and high blood pressure. My hormonal issues were wreacking havoc on my weight and vice versa. I'm only 30 years old and I was very unhappy with where my life was headed. I was feeling run down, unhealthy, old, and like I was running out of time.

I had managed to lose and keep off 32 pounds since reaching my highest weight in 2006 while I was attending nursing school but I was still desperately obese for my tiny 5 ft 2 inch frame. 

I have always been chubby, chunky, fat, overweight or whatever you like to call it.

Even as a child I remember my pediatrician telling my mother I needed to diet. I was only 3 years old at that time. I always knew that I wasn't healthy or what society considered "Normal". I was teased sometimes for being the fat kid but I am a strong believer that growing up fat molded me into the women I am today. 

I have a great sense of humor and quick wit. I feel that instead of people judging me for my outer appearance I always tried so hard to get them to get to know the creature beneath the surface. I wanted them to see that underneath the fat was a funny, smart, outspoken, person who was worthy of intelligent conversation and lots of laughter.

Big or small we all struggle with our appearances. I went through a typical phase of body image problems as a teen but I can safely say I never hated myself or felt like I was unworthy of anything. I had always held fast to the fact that my beauty was in my brains, creativity, and compassion for life and people.

It has been a long difficult journey full of blood, fat, and tears.

Today I am 6 days post operative. I am fighting mental cravings, fighting physical pains, trying to figure out where I'm going and what is happening to me. I'm healing and changing everyday. My body feels foreign and my mind feels like it it under attack by aliens. 

I cried over tater tots today. It seems so irrational and sort of funny but just to know that these foods that have comforted me for so long are now off limits, hit a very raw nerve. I am not physically hungry but being on a full liquid diet with a new tiny stomach is challenging. My brain it telling me I want mashed potatoes but my stomach can barely tolerate an 8 oz protein shake and the recommended 64 oz of water sips that I should be taking in. It's an epic battle of mind, body, and soul. 

There are so many voices talking that it's hard to know which one makes the most sense. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. Gastric bypass is so much more than a surgical procedure on your stomach and intestines. For me and for many others it's a LONG, emotional, battle for our life. Today I cried over tater tots but who knows what tomorrow or a year from now will bring. I want to live a long, happy, healthy life and I am committed to this battle for my life for as long as it takes. The future is bright though there will be dark days. I know in time I will again know the wonderful taste of a tater tot but I don't really need it to survive.