Baggage

There comes a moment in time when you come to the realization that the toxicity of others just has no place in your life. I'm having that moment now.
I must admit I've been at this very same precipice before but my heart has always lead me back from the edge.
There is a constant battle between my brain and my heart and often times my heart robs my intelligence of it's better decisions. 
(1 Corinthians 13.4) 4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
I couldn't disagree more. For me Love has not been patient and at times it is has been most unkind and down right painful but above all love has never been normal and I certainly can not trust it.
The same way that an abused or molested person longs for the affections of their abuser I too crave the unfavorable love of the ones who hurt me. It is all I know. Strange, painful, violent, abnormal love is my normal.
No matter how much they have hurt me I seemingly always come back for more. I spend time away and promise never to come back but in the end I am tortured and miserable, missing the painful love that has always been in my life.
Every bad person has redeeming qualities and small pieces of themselves that are good and beautiful. I feel that I am a glass menagerie. My nature a spliced together pattern of the fragmented best parts of a very fucked up lineage. 
I am proud to say that among my many flaws I am also intelligent, strong, caring and above all I am able to love the ones who deserve it, normally. I can love peacefully,kindly,selflessly, and without judgement. The way love was always meant to be shared, with abundance and beauty.
Love should not be hurtful and frightening. Love should be peaceful and it should not be given to the undeserving with reckless abandon.
The time has come for me to mourn the loss of something that has long been dead. I can no longer hope and fantasize about a love that just doesn't exist. I am thankful for all the good qualities that I have inherited but I must divorce myself and most importantly protect myself from the toxicity that others wield into my life.
I feel sorry for them. It is all they know and it is all they will ever be capable of giving. It is my decision to leave all the baggage at the proverbial claim. One can chose to pick it up, leave it, or let someone else have it.






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