2/22/11
I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since my baby has been gone. We still haven't gotten back his ashes.
I just want him home with us. I know ashes are not really who he was or is but I guess having some part of Mason with me is something I just need right now, something I really want. Something to help ease this emptiness in me.
I am surprised to say that I have not been living out my days in my bed crying. I have broken up with my sofa and have decided to get up. There are times I want to submit to the urge to crumble and fold into the deep depression that is looming over my shoulder, but I don't. I get up, I shower, I do things. I go to the store, I do laundry, I wash dishes. Right now it feels more like a routine, like I'm forcing myself to go forward but I am hoping in time it will feel like me living life again. I eat, I sleep, I dream, and I breath all automatically. It's like I'm on some sort of mental and emotional preservation auto pilot switch. I have been spending a lot of time with Chris which has been wonderful. Out of this terrible mess the bond between my husband and I has been somehow strengthened. We have these big conversations and discussions about random things just like we used to when we first met. I know now that spending the rest of my life with this man is exactly what I want. I have been enjoying time alone as well. I have really taken a step back and taken a good look at myself. I am seriously and honestly done with the drama around me and in my life. It's not important or meaningful. Love especially self love and acceptance is really all that matters and all that should matter. I have grown tired of being miserable and hating on myself and my life. If I sit here and whine about what I don't have and haven't done chances are I will never do it. If I sit around waiting for your my life to start I'll miss what is going on in my life right now. Everyday is something new. A new memory, a new, moment, a new journey. I don't plan on missing out on anything. I think crying is okay and sadness is normal. Grieving is very different then depression. I'm not sure where this path will take me all I know is I am moving down it one way or the other. I plan on going forward and I look forward to seeing what the path brings me and what I can bring to myself. Right now I bring myself love. I promise to love and accept me and in turn I will be better able to love and accept others. Good, bad, wrong, or right we can not change other's perceptions we can only chose to change how we perceive things.
I just want him home with us. I know ashes are not really who he was or is but I guess having some part of Mason with me is something I just need right now, something I really want. Something to help ease this emptiness in me.
I am surprised to say that I have not been living out my days in my bed crying. I have broken up with my sofa and have decided to get up. There are times I want to submit to the urge to crumble and fold into the deep depression that is looming over my shoulder, but I don't. I get up, I shower, I do things. I go to the store, I do laundry, I wash dishes. Right now it feels more like a routine, like I'm forcing myself to go forward but I am hoping in time it will feel like me living life again. I eat, I sleep, I dream, and I breath all automatically. It's like I'm on some sort of mental and emotional preservation auto pilot switch. I have been spending a lot of time with Chris which has been wonderful. Out of this terrible mess the bond between my husband and I has been somehow strengthened. We have these big conversations and discussions about random things just like we used to when we first met. I know now that spending the rest of my life with this man is exactly what I want. I have been enjoying time alone as well. I have really taken a step back and taken a good look at myself. I am seriously and honestly done with the drama around me and in my life. It's not important or meaningful. Love especially self love and acceptance is really all that matters and all that should matter. I have grown tired of being miserable and hating on myself and my life. If I sit here and whine about what I don't have and haven't done chances are I will never do it. If I sit around waiting for your my life to start I'll miss what is going on in my life right now. Everyday is something new. A new memory, a new, moment, a new journey. I don't plan on missing out on anything. I think crying is okay and sadness is normal. Grieving is very different then depression. I'm not sure where this path will take me all I know is I am moving down it one way or the other. I plan on going forward and I look forward to seeing what the path brings me and what I can bring to myself. Right now I bring myself love. I promise to love and accept me and in turn I will be better able to love and accept others. Good, bad, wrong, or right we can not change other's perceptions we can only chose to change how we perceive things.
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