Groundhog Day
"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life." , Bill Murray said it best in the movie "Groundhog Day"
I can't help but feel that same feeling of bleakness and darkness looming over me today.
Life is full of comedy and tragedy, ups and downs, wrongs and rights. Bad things happen at random to good people for no apparent reason at all. Horrible acts of rape, murder, and death strike people everyday without cause. It hurts the worst when it hits at home. One can't seem to imagine why this horrible "thing" has happened to them. Is God vengeful, angry, absent, or just punishing them?
There is no rhyme or reason as to why life unfolds the way it does or how your story will play out. You can plan your whole life out, carefully monitoring every move and action but life is not unlike a game of chance. You could get hit by a truck tomorrow morning and all the best intentions and planning can do little to save your life. Fate is fate. Every breath we take is a precious gift and not a right.
Life is a dealer and we are all just anxious card players sitting at the poker table praying our cards turn out better than our opponent's or that we can at least keep a straight face and bluff our way into winning big.
That being said. My husband and I have to make a very difficult and heartbreaking decision in the next couple of weeks. We have to decide the fate of Our unborn baby boy pending the information we are given Friday by the Pediatric neurologist at Tufts University Hospital.
Our baby boy "Mason James" has been diagnosed with a severe form of spina bifida in which part of his brain as well as his spinal cord are damaged. I am five months pregnant this week and I can feel my baby boy move inside me everyday now. As most mothers elate at moments like these, every flutter feels as though it rips out a piece of my heart. This is one of those times where dying seems like an easier option no matter how irrational and dramatic that may sound. I have fantasized about hurling myself into the icy waters off the Bourne Bridge. Right now I feel as though I will never know what a smile or happiness feels like again. I stare in disbelief at all the baby books, bibs, and baby toys that I have been given as gifts.
What do I do with them now? Do I pack them away, give them away, throw them away? Part of me wants to set fire to everything and watch it burn. Again I know this is irrational but it somehow feels right. I don't mean to make anyone feel sorry for me and I am not looking for sympathy I am just being overly honest as everything is so raw right now.
waking up and functioning seems painful.
I can't help but feel that same feeling of bleakness and darkness looming over me today.
Life is full of comedy and tragedy, ups and downs, wrongs and rights. Bad things happen at random to good people for no apparent reason at all. Horrible acts of rape, murder, and death strike people everyday without cause. It hurts the worst when it hits at home. One can't seem to imagine why this horrible "thing" has happened to them. Is God vengeful, angry, absent, or just punishing them?
There is no rhyme or reason as to why life unfolds the way it does or how your story will play out. You can plan your whole life out, carefully monitoring every move and action but life is not unlike a game of chance. You could get hit by a truck tomorrow morning and all the best intentions and planning can do little to save your life. Fate is fate. Every breath we take is a precious gift and not a right.
Life is a dealer and we are all just anxious card players sitting at the poker table praying our cards turn out better than our opponent's or that we can at least keep a straight face and bluff our way into winning big.
That being said. My husband and I have to make a very difficult and heartbreaking decision in the next couple of weeks. We have to decide the fate of Our unborn baby boy pending the information we are given Friday by the Pediatric neurologist at Tufts University Hospital.
Our baby boy "Mason James" has been diagnosed with a severe form of spina bifida in which part of his brain as well as his spinal cord are damaged. I am five months pregnant this week and I can feel my baby boy move inside me everyday now. As most mothers elate at moments like these, every flutter feels as though it rips out a piece of my heart. This is one of those times where dying seems like an easier option no matter how irrational and dramatic that may sound. I have fantasized about hurling myself into the icy waters off the Bourne Bridge. Right now I feel as though I will never know what a smile or happiness feels like again. I stare in disbelief at all the baby books, bibs, and baby toys that I have been given as gifts.
What do I do with them now? Do I pack them away, give them away, throw them away? Part of me wants to set fire to everything and watch it burn. Again I know this is irrational but it somehow feels right. I don't mean to make anyone feel sorry for me and I am not looking for sympathy I am just being overly honest as everything is so raw right now.
waking up and functioning seems painful.
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