Porn, Pie & Percocet
To be honest the last few days I have found myself Joyless and exhausted. I go through these melancholy moods in the winter months. BLAH BLAH BLAH seasonal affective disorder.........
The holidays are a time of reflection, renewal, and resolution but somehow I always tend to feel lost within myself. I feel lost as to what my next step should be in this life and before I know it another year has gone by and I'm still hopelessly standing still.
Change makes me uncomfortable and it always has. I talk about this often. I desperately hope that the admission of my "change complex" with make it feel less like a pair of skinny jeans and more like a pair of sweat pants.
I can not seem to find the spirit of the season nor the joy and anticipation that can only be experienced through the eyes of a child. We are supposed to entertain, throw parties; eat, drink, and be merry but somehow all I feel right now is tired. The thought of spreading holiday cheer just makes me want to take a nap.
I hate to sound all Grinch like but I can't help it. I don't wish to crap all over anyone else' holiday experience so I smile and muddle through. I just wish I could find something to look forward to. I don't look forward to gifts because they are just things and "things" will never fill that void.
I used to look forward to all the food because food for so many years has been my drug of choice. I am much happier and healthier than I have ever been in my adult life but I miss my holiday high. I know that food never truly filled the void inside me but my feelings were somehow numbed out when I was shoveling mashed potatoes, pie, and crescent rolls down my gullet. I know your picturing this and I know it sounds disgusting and it truly is but I miss my overeating. I miss my high. I miss my drugs.
Am I any more or less disgusting than a heroin addict dreaming of one last opiated rush through their veins or any more or less disgusting than an alcoholic who salivates for just one last sip of wine?
The truth of it is all addiction is stigmatized, ugly, and disgusting, it doesn't matter if it's porn, pie, or percs.
I feel great 90% of the time but the other 10% I am just a stranger in my new, alien, body. I was always the funny fat girl and now who am I? I don't know yet? I really didn't think I would still be soul searching at 32 years old but here I am; a giant Unsolved Mystery without Robert Stack to help me figure my shit out.
I turned to food for stress, comfort, and pain in my life and my fat protected me like a blanket of blubber.
The truth is that sometimes when you lose the weight you feel stripped down and cold and very far from the supermodel you always thought you'd be.
I always said if I lost the weight I'd be content and love myself but the truth is loving oneself is a lifelong job that offers no retirement package.
We are always a work in progress or at least we should be.
In the past when I would struggle I would eat. I am trying so damn hard not to turn to my old friend "food" because all he every made me was fat and sick.
Another truth about losing the weight is that you constantly fear you will fail. I dream about it, I think about it, and I fear it. You CAN get fat again and being sedentary is oh so easy. I am struggling today but tomorrow will come and hopefully in that new day I will find the strength to keep fighting. We are all fighting some kind of war within ourselves so be kind, smile, and love as much as possible. Just because you're an alien doesn't mean you should alienate the world. Maybe if we were all just a little more honest about our struggles we could find some common ground to settle on.
The holidays are a time of reflection, renewal, and resolution but somehow I always tend to feel lost within myself. I feel lost as to what my next step should be in this life and before I know it another year has gone by and I'm still hopelessly standing still.
Change makes me uncomfortable and it always has. I talk about this often. I desperately hope that the admission of my "change complex" with make it feel less like a pair of skinny jeans and more like a pair of sweat pants.
I can not seem to find the spirit of the season nor the joy and anticipation that can only be experienced through the eyes of a child. We are supposed to entertain, throw parties; eat, drink, and be merry but somehow all I feel right now is tired. The thought of spreading holiday cheer just makes me want to take a nap.
I hate to sound all Grinch like but I can't help it. I don't wish to crap all over anyone else' holiday experience so I smile and muddle through. I just wish I could find something to look forward to. I don't look forward to gifts because they are just things and "things" will never fill that void.
I used to look forward to all the food because food for so many years has been my drug of choice. I am much happier and healthier than I have ever been in my adult life but I miss my holiday high. I know that food never truly filled the void inside me but my feelings were somehow numbed out when I was shoveling mashed potatoes, pie, and crescent rolls down my gullet. I know your picturing this and I know it sounds disgusting and it truly is but I miss my overeating. I miss my high. I miss my drugs.
Am I any more or less disgusting than a heroin addict dreaming of one last opiated rush through their veins or any more or less disgusting than an alcoholic who salivates for just one last sip of wine?
The truth of it is all addiction is stigmatized, ugly, and disgusting, it doesn't matter if it's porn, pie, or percs.
I feel great 90% of the time but the other 10% I am just a stranger in my new, alien, body. I was always the funny fat girl and now who am I? I don't know yet? I really didn't think I would still be soul searching at 32 years old but here I am; a giant Unsolved Mystery without Robert Stack to help me figure my shit out.
I turned to food for stress, comfort, and pain in my life and my fat protected me like a blanket of blubber.
The truth is that sometimes when you lose the weight you feel stripped down and cold and very far from the supermodel you always thought you'd be.
I always said if I lost the weight I'd be content and love myself but the truth is loving oneself is a lifelong job that offers no retirement package.
We are always a work in progress or at least we should be.
In the past when I would struggle I would eat. I am trying so damn hard not to turn to my old friend "food" because all he every made me was fat and sick.
Another truth about losing the weight is that you constantly fear you will fail. I dream about it, I think about it, and I fear it. You CAN get fat again and being sedentary is oh so easy. I am struggling today but tomorrow will come and hopefully in that new day I will find the strength to keep fighting. We are all fighting some kind of war within ourselves so be kind, smile, and love as much as possible. Just because you're an alien doesn't mean you should alienate the world. Maybe if we were all just a little more honest about our struggles we could find some common ground to settle on.
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