Clowns, Darkeness,Jackrabbits & My Personal Journey
Two years ago I started my journey though my true journey has no real beginning or end. I am a constant work in progress. I am a canvas that has been painted again and again, layer by layer by a tortured artist who feels they will never get it right. My layers are strong, thick, and they protect me.
I am art. Crazy, subjective, beautiful, awful, happy, sad, wonderful, art.
I don't know if I ever did or if I ever will feel completely at ease with myself. I don't know if I will ever embrace my physical and emotional self.
I am an addict. Food is my addiction. For years it was there for me through happiness, sadness and all my ups and downs. It comforted me but it also robbed me. It made me obese. It gave me diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic bronchitis, depression, anxiety, infertility. Worst of all it made me settle for a sub par life.
I could not walk long distances or run up the stairs. I could not ride all the rides at the amusement park and I couldn't dance or exercise without getting tired and out of breath. I made excuses. I cut myself short. I still do this but I'm working on it. (work in progress)
I remind myself that as an addict I must live in the moment I must take each day as it comes and try not to worry about tomorrow, a week, a month, a year from now. To worry about something that has not or may not come is truly s waste of my time and energy. We make plans and God laughs. I will forever love that quote.
I am a spiritual person though I do not believe that any religion has gotten in 100% right. I have faith. I believe in a higher power and I know that ones energy including my own can never be destroyed. We all make in impact. We all leave some sort of imprint behind when our physical body checks out. The imprint we leave behind, well that's up to us.
My journey has not been all buttercups and candy corn. I'm okay with that. I believe those of us who struggle appreciate more in the end. I appreciate my happiness more and I cherish the good days.
I am not happy everyday. I am not perfection. I get very sad and dark. This is a part of myself like it or not. On my bad days I stay in bed, I rest, I cry, and I know that it time the feeling will pass.
I feel emotions, sometimes they are negative and uncomfortable ones. My inner mantra is, "I feel emotions but I am not my emotion." (Remember that self.)
Being an addict and a sufferer of depression has taught me so much. As much as I hate my "Dark" side I don't know if I would change it if I could. It has made me who I am. I would say well rounded but I'm more lumpy and curvy than well rounded. (Jokes: one of my best coping skills)
I am a comedian. Making others laugh brings me so much joy because I understand that happiness is a fleeting jackrabbit. It doesn't come easily or naturally to some including myself. When you catch it hold on to it tightly, for it may only stay for a short time. Jackrabbits were meant to run free not live in cages. (Remember that self)
It is important that you know that often times the comedian is the saddest, darkest person in the room.
The comedian seeks laughter and acceptance from strangers. How sad is that? No wonder we are called clowns. The world is a noisy, distracted circus but we all need the clowns around for comic relief. I realize my gift may be flawed but it is none the less a gift and a useful one at that. (remember that self)
I may not always see with the clarity of today but I will embrace it, hold onto it, cherish it for the moment and then let it go. Run little jackrabbit. Run.
I am art. Crazy, subjective, beautiful, awful, happy, sad, wonderful, art.
I don't know if I ever did or if I ever will feel completely at ease with myself. I don't know if I will ever embrace my physical and emotional self.
I am an addict. Food is my addiction. For years it was there for me through happiness, sadness and all my ups and downs. It comforted me but it also robbed me. It made me obese. It gave me diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic bronchitis, depression, anxiety, infertility. Worst of all it made me settle for a sub par life.
I could not walk long distances or run up the stairs. I could not ride all the rides at the amusement park and I couldn't dance or exercise without getting tired and out of breath. I made excuses. I cut myself short. I still do this but I'm working on it. (work in progress)
I remind myself that as an addict I must live in the moment I must take each day as it comes and try not to worry about tomorrow, a week, a month, a year from now. To worry about something that has not or may not come is truly s waste of my time and energy. We make plans and God laughs. I will forever love that quote.
I am a spiritual person though I do not believe that any religion has gotten in 100% right. I have faith. I believe in a higher power and I know that ones energy including my own can never be destroyed. We all make in impact. We all leave some sort of imprint behind when our physical body checks out. The imprint we leave behind, well that's up to us.
My journey has not been all buttercups and candy corn. I'm okay with that. I believe those of us who struggle appreciate more in the end. I appreciate my happiness more and I cherish the good days.
I am not happy everyday. I am not perfection. I get very sad and dark. This is a part of myself like it or not. On my bad days I stay in bed, I rest, I cry, and I know that it time the feeling will pass.
I feel emotions, sometimes they are negative and uncomfortable ones. My inner mantra is, "I feel emotions but I am not my emotion." (Remember that self.)
Being an addict and a sufferer of depression has taught me so much. As much as I hate my "Dark" side I don't know if I would change it if I could. It has made me who I am. I would say well rounded but I'm more lumpy and curvy than well rounded. (Jokes: one of my best coping skills)
I am a comedian. Making others laugh brings me so much joy because I understand that happiness is a fleeting jackrabbit. It doesn't come easily or naturally to some including myself. When you catch it hold on to it tightly, for it may only stay for a short time. Jackrabbits were meant to run free not live in cages. (Remember that self)
It is important that you know that often times the comedian is the saddest, darkest person in the room.
The comedian seeks laughter and acceptance from strangers. How sad is that? No wonder we are called clowns. The world is a noisy, distracted circus but we all need the clowns around for comic relief. I realize my gift may be flawed but it is none the less a gift and a useful one at that. (remember that self)
I may not always see with the clarity of today but I will embrace it, hold onto it, cherish it for the moment and then let it go. Run little jackrabbit. Run.
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